I think something’s wrong!

How do we know when someone is using drugs or alcohol? Well, the answer is we don’t. Unless there is a historical precedent with associated behaviors to inform us of something being askew, we have no reason to even suspect such a thing. Yet, we know our loved ones and can certainly notice when things seem out of sorts. Over time, even the most trusting person will notice when things become so behaviorally erratic that they can no longer ignore what they are seeing.

You find that you no longer feel comfortable writing off what you’re seeing, or experiencing as just another bad day at work or school.

Perhaps you begin to find things such as hidden alcohol bottles, drug paraphernalia or pill bottles.

Someone outside the family asks “what is wrong with him or her?”

You eventually ask your loved one if they’re okay, and they respond with anger, or simply question your questioning them.

You feel as if they did not answer or address your question, or to put it more aptly, you feel they avoided your question.

People have told me that at this point they began to wonder if the person might be having an affair! Well, in a sense they are! It is certainly accurate to say that they are focused on something other than you and the family. This is because they are beginning to have, or develop, a primary relationship with something outside the family. In this case however it is most likely an object (drugs or alcohol) or an event (gambling, pornography, sexual acting out, etc.) with which they are developing a relationship.

Here we come to the heart of the problem and the beginning of one of the worst nightmares a family may encounter. We sense, or in many cases know there is a problem, and have reason to suspect that it is drugs or alcohol. What do we do? To whom do we turn? How should we interact with the person while seeking a way to cope with this unfolding family crisis? What’s helpful, and what are some of the things we should not do that may be harmful to our hopes of intervening? While there are no right answers as each situation is unique unto itself, there are some steps to be taken once we are assured that we are dealing with a drug or alcohol problem.

The mind of an addict

It is most useful for us to begin by reviewing what is a substance use, abuse, or dependence problem before we even attempt to respond to it.

The following excerpt was taken from a bibliography written by David Hazen in 1993. Mr. Hazen describes chemical dependency as follows, “Chemical Dependency (alcoholism and drug addiction) is the compulsively repeated alteration of brain chemistry by means of a toxin (drugs or alcohol) in order to produce temporary relief from frustration, grief, or pain quickly without changing the thoughts or behavior that cause these negative feelings.” I find this to be a good description of chemical dependency that omits only two things:

1. The first being that the dependent person develops a relationship with his or her substance of choice.
2. The addicted person has had what they would describe as positive experiences with chemical use, that had nothing to do with seeking relief from frustration, grief, or pain.

Thus, when attempting to separate the person from their drug of choice it is crucial that the relational implications of their abuse or dependence is considered and incorporated into our efforts to intervene. Their motivation to change, as well as their view of themselves has been effected by the relationship they now have with their substance.

The abuser will often continue to have varying levels of positive regard for their substance use intermixed with their disillusionment with it. This is pertinent information that will help you understand and anticipate how the addict may respond to the varying types of interventions that may be employed now and in the future. Here things get a little tricky because what I am asking you to do is to be non-confrontational of their internalized positive ideas about their drug of choice. Do not get caught up in the struggle of trying to get them to see the error of their thinking regarding this and other similar issues at this juncture. After all, in order for someone to become addicted to something, they must have derived some real or imagined pleasure from it, especially in the earlier periods of use. To argue such issues at this juncture is foolhardy and wasteful in terms of what we are attempting to do. Rather, let us focus our attention and the attention of the addict on the obvious (here and now) harm caused by their drug of choice. No matter your response to this issue the point is to not get stuck or side tracked by concerns or behaviors that are not immediately relevant to initiating change.

The addicted person has, or is developing a maladaptive relationship with a mood altering substance. And this relationship has or is becoming a primary relationship.

The importance of understanding it as a primary relationship is that we can therefore anticipate that the person will take steps to protect this relationship. While this may fly in the face of common sense given the pain that the addictive process causes, we must remember that to attempt to view this situation through the lens of normalcy is to misread and misunderstand the problem from the outset.

Once you have established that you are dealing with a chemical abuse or dependence problem, and are agreed that there are relational components to this problem, we are ready to begin the discussion of how to respond.